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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.