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I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.