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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut