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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..