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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"