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I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Find someone you`re good at.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!