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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.