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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell