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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.