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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.