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Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
Your things are terrific.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational post are hard.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.