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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
I`m perfect you adjust.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.