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Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.