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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.