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Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.