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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".