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My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.