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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.