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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.