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I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!