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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?