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One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.