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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
High-five a veteran today.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.