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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.