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Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.