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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.