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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?