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SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
make little things count. teach midgets math.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today