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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
I never finish anyth...............
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.