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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360