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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.