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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
what if the princess wants to be with bowser, but mario keeps kidnapping her
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.