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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?