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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.