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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?