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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.