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"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
i feel naked without my mobile !
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
Where is the button to restart summer?
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.