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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I drink because people talk.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.