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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *