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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.