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Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.