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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.