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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?