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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.