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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium