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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day