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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.