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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Does this status update make me look fat?
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.