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I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.