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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
My misery likes tequila, not company.