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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Save water, shower together.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.