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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I put the PRO in inappropriate!
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.