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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.