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why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud