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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
I drink because people talk.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.