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Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
there are so many scams on the internet now...... Send me $19.95 an I`ll tell you how you can avoid them
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.