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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.