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I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.