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3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.