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It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.