Daily Silly Status

I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.

There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"

People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.

I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.

You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"

Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.

I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....

I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…

If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."

Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food

Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”