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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.