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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.