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Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My number was 0...
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".