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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.