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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords