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I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver