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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.