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I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.