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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.