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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
This recliner and I go way back.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers