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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.