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I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!