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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.