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I don`t care about your status...
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?