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Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Home is where the pants aren’t.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.