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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever