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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.