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Worry: a waste of imagination.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?