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One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything