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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her