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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling