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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out