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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.