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I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
My mind has a mind of its own.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.