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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.