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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Save water, shower together.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.