Daily Silly Status

If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.

To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.

This beer tastes like future mistakes.

Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue

honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"

Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode

If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face

There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.

Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.

When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.

Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.

I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.