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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
High-five a veteran today.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
I play hard to get along with.