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Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.