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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.