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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!