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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.