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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.