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I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.