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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.