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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.