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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out