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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.