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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.